I Don't Even Know Anymore

Why do you do this to yourself?
You have a good job
A family
And yet you sit there depressed ruining your life.
There's no more words left to say.
You have to fix yourself.
Make yourself better, stronger
I don't know how you came to be this way.
I thought maybe me being here would change things
But I was wrong.
I was oblivious before
But now I'm a front and center witness to your own destruction.
I don't know how to talk to you
To get through to you
Because I don't even know if you're still there.
You look like you
You talk like you
But you say things we want to hear.
You've already been sent away to make yourself better.
Do you want to go back?
Or worse...
I can't even think about it.
You're my brother.
My little brother.
What happened to make you like this?
If I was around more
If you could talk to me
All those years ago
If I wasn't so oblivious to my surroundings
Would things be different?
Maybe so.
I can't blame myself though.
I'm here now.
Have been for years.
Though I was miles away
I answered when you called
Spoke to mom and dad constantly about what was going on.
I couldn't do anything then
I can't do anything now.
I feel so hopeless
And yet, you must feel that way too.
But I still don't understand why.
Why do you do the things you do?
We all love you.
I know you know that.
I hope you know that.
We don't know what else to say
Or do
To fix the situation.
Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
You say you understand
Then you go and do something totally different.
I wish I could talk to you
I wish I could make things better.
But only you can do that.
I love you.
Good Night.

CROCHET - The gift that keeps on giving

So, I've been doing a lot of crocheting the past few months and have added some cool new things to my growing list of what I can and can not crochet - I've come to find out that I can do just about anything. I usually use a picture to get me started and then once I have the basic measurements of what size the hat is I just go from there. I usually use the same pattern for every hat (just tweaking the size for babies, kids and adults). But sometimes I use a pattern if the design calls for something extra, like the cool shark hat I made for my little cousin. I didn't follow the pattern to a T, but I followed it pretty closely especially for the shark fin. I used whatever buttons I had lying around for the eyes, and seriously the teeth are so awesome!!! You can use that for a dinosaur or any type of animal - really excited about that!! But anyways, this is a really cool hat and I think my cousin is going to thoroughly enjoy it and be the talk of the town.

I'm also really into ear warmers. I made a couple before and they are really simple. I usually do 18 stitches across and 43 stitches long - that fits my head. I usually add flowers or bows to it but I figured out how to make the earwarmer itself look like a bow - see below. Just pinch in the middle at the seam and wrap w/ excess yarn and now you have a bow earwarmer! Piece of cake!! I made this one for my cousin but I'm going to definitely have to make one for myself. I have a hard time making things for other people because once I make it for them, I want one for myself, too. Oh well, at least I know how to make it. :) I just have way too many projects to make anything for myself right now.

 I also made these boot slippers for my cousin. I've been making slippers for a while. But these are my first pair of boot slippers. I think they came out really cute - she picked out the colors - and I added some buttons to the sides to make them pop! She said she LOVED them! :)

 This is a cowl scarf. I should probably add a picture of it being worn, but I didn't take any - I'll get on that though. This scarf is in the Hufflepuff colors - or Bruins colors. I'm making one for each of my Harry Potter friends based on where they were sorted in Pottermore. Hufflepuff for Alley, Theresa and I. Gryffindor for Mikey and Casey. Slytherin for Derek and Jenn. No one got into Ravenclaw, but oh well, no one cool was in Ravenclaw except for Luna anyways. :)

 And this owl hat is for my neice Hudson. I'm really excited to be able to give it to her finally, considering I said I would make her one when she was just born and that did not work out so well - I was slacking on the crocheting last year, this year I'm getting pretty awesome at it and I'm sticking to it.

I'm really excited about Christmas this year. I've been doing a lot of crocheting because I think handmade gifts are AWESOME!! And my friend is pregnant with her first child so I'm working on my first blanket - kind of nervous about that, but it's alright. I'm also doing some other handmade gifts for my friends considering I miss them tons since I've moved away from them - writing a cute friendship quote on a mug and making dolls for my nieces and future niece. This is going to be one great handcrafted Christmas. I promise to post pics of all finished items. Adios for now amigos, time to get some sleep. xoxo

Two Weeks

So, it's been two weeks since my last post. Two weeks since I began the whole NanoWriMo thing. I haven't exactly kept up with it - how like me that is. I am a horrible procrastinator and my mind creates new projects and ideas before finishing the first project or idea. I have been working on that though. I've been crocheting a lot more now that it's getting colder - so I'm only working on two crafts at a time for that: a baby blanket for my best friends baby (super duper excited about that and that this is my first blanket making ever!!) and a shark hat for my cousin. Once I finish the hat I'll begin another hat for my other cousin - these hats are Christmas presents and as my future niece/nephew is not due til the end of march I can work on Christmas gifts first - top priority. So I've been working on crochet projects, and though writing is important to me, so is crafting. Also, I spend most of my days at work - 12 hour shifts - and I can't bring my laptop there to work on my book. I bring my notebook and write in there, but by the time I get home I just want to change into pajamas and fall asleep, so I don't get to type up what I wrote previously until days later. I have written 8,000 words though in two weeks and I think that is PHENOMENAL for me, the great procrastinator. Because all the books I have ever started, I totally lose interest in in a matter of minutes and start working on something else. So the fact that I'm sticking with my train of thought for this book is also pretty EPIC, so I'm rather proud of myself even though I'm not sticking to the daily word goal. It is my first year doing it as well. It's also a different topic than I'm used to doing all together. Usually what I write about is of love and relationships and all that. This time, its sort of a thriller. No relationship drama there. I don't even know if I'm going to give it a happy ending yet, just because I hate that almost every book or movie ends with a happy ending. But considering that I do know what's going to happen, eventually, I think it will end up happy, just for the sake of my main characters. I just haven't really figured out the ending or the little bits in between yet. But I'm working on it and I'm excited about it, I just don't have all the time I wish I had to write consistently. But then again, I do need me time. And writing makes my brain hurt sometimes, so it is good to take breaks once in a while. I'll keep you posted on how it's going. So far, on the NanoWriMo website, it says I won't finish til February 1st. But even so, this book is doing a lot better than all my other unfinished projects. Rock on!!

November - National Novel Writing Month

I have always wanted to write a novel. ALWAYS! But my brain runs on too many tangents and can't seem to keep focused on one topic at a time. That's why I usually stick with poems or short stories and have been trying to dabble in writing reviews on books and movies because I love reading (http://livelaughluvsmile.blogspot.com/). So, when looking for a quote of the day or what's going on for the month of November I came across http://nanowrimo.org/. It's a website devoted to writing a novel in an entire month, with inspirational videos and meetups in your hometown to meet with other writers doing the same thing you are. I think this is awesome and may just be the motivation I need to kick myself in the ass and finally finish that novel. Let's do this!!

Year of New Beginnings

This year has been an interesting year so far. I moved from Massachusetts to Florida - away from all of my friends to move closer to my parents. Left everything behind and no job lined up, though I did get a job right after I moved which was really lucky. This year also marked my 10 yr reunion from high school - gee does time really fly. So I went back up north to see old friends who I missed dearly. There I was sprung the question "would you be my bridesmaid" by one of my best friends! It was so unexpected that I was speechless - which usually doesn't happen. Her wedding is next year, so I planned on going back home a few times next year for: 1. dress fitting 2. bachelorette 3. wedding!!! If that wasn't enough to look forward to, the other day my friends face-timed me from dinner to tell me some even more exciting news ........ my best friend is PREGNANT!!! I was beyond ecstatic!! I'm already thinking of crochet crafts and clothes to buy and its not even my baby! Next year is going to be a great year, and even though I'm not five minutes down the road anymore, I am truly blessed to have friends that make me feel like I never left and keep me up-to date on new and exciting happenings! Without their support, friendship, love and encouragement I would never have had the guts to move.

Though miles may lie between us we are never far apart, for friendship doesn't count miles its measured by the heart. <3

Breaking Up is Hard

Everyone's gone through it. I've been through it plenty. But it still hurts every time. This agonizing feeling of loneliness and heartbreak - I can't eat - My throat and eyes hurt from crying and I'm always feeling an onset of tears that I try to push back into the deepest part of me.

Everything happens for a reason is seriously my motto because it does. There's always a reason why you meet that person and they break your heart - Is there a life lesson involved? Possibly, probably, but who knows? Right now I can barely think straight let alone feel like my life is going to get better and the next time around will be different. I've said this to myself for the past six years of my single life. I've had my ups and my downs but I always pick myself back up. But I always find it hard to believe that I will one day meet my prince charming because it seems like there's a lot more frogs than princes who surround me or find me or walk into my life unexpectedly. But hey, life isn't always a fairytale right? Sometimes it's a harrowing journey through a dark, scary forest where you have to slay the dragon or evil queen. But usually a happy ending comes out of it, it appears though that my epic life is taking a little too long to get to its happily ever after. C'est la vie! It is what it is. Whose life is perfect anyways?

Look on the bright side - 1. My friends and family are amazing and love me just as much as I love them. 2. I have a great job. 3. I live in sunny Florida where I can go to the beach or pool any day I want, even in the winter if I dare :) 4. My pets are cuddly and love me and don't care what I do or how I act or anything. 5. I am an awesome person, whose kind to others, whose loving and who loves life - at least that's how I feel. I honestly believe that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. It took me a while to really understand that, but I do, I honestly love myself, in every way shape or form.

But in lieu of my breaking up - even though he said it was a break I know that its a break up - I'm going to post a song that fits my mood perfectly. Stay happy and live life to the fullest.

 



LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE. DREAM. INSPIRE.  

 

 

Inner Turmoil

I'm torn between two ideas. The first being that you're too good to be true and that I shouldn't let you go. The second being that you're too good to be true and that's wrong. I usually find little things to nit pick at guys which leads to me being continuously single. I'm trying not to do that with you, but I'm finding it hard. Is there such thing as somebody being too nice? I never thought that could be true, but with you I feel like it is. You're too nice and it's annoying me. I honestly don't know why. I know that you are unlike any guy that I have ever dated, and yet I'm turned on and turned off by it at the same time. I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt because I know that I nit pick, and I don't want to be single forever. I do want a relationship. So I honestly need to take a chill pill and relax. I just don't know how to shut my brain off and stop thinking.


I wrote this above statement the other day, and after days of just living in the moment I realize you may not be too good to be true. You may just be exactly who I've been looking for. Someone to pull me out of this rut that I've been in, stuck in the past, rethinking regrets. I want to live in the present. In the here and now and right now the present is you.
I know I am closed off from my emotions, and that's because with each day and year and stupid guy I have put up wall after wall to protect myself from heartache. You said that you believe that I am a deep person and I said that I'm like an onion, I have many layers (yes, I totally quoted Shrek). If you are willing to peel off my layers one by one and break down my walls, I want to see where this adventure leads us.

Back to Life

I was craving attention
In the worst kind of way.
All alone I felt
For I had moved away,
From my friends and family
Of whom I held so dear.
Embarking on a new journey
Was a longtime goal and fear.
Making new friends would be easy, I thought.
Not trying to replace the old,
But new hang outs, new people were needed
To welcome me here.
To rid myself of my past.
Look forward to the future.
But friends were hard to come by
In this small town.
What acquaintances I had
Left me high and dry.
Missing my friends from the north
I yearned for companionship.
I had none,
And then there was you.
You walked into my life out of the blue.
I didn't know where you came from
I was lost and confused.
I didn't think you were real.
Happiness was back.
You lit up my world.
This was how life was supposed to be.
No questions
No games
Just you and I
Together laughing and holding hands.
It all looks so easy.
I've waited a lifetime for you.
Felt like eternity.
When I was down on my luck
About had enough
You stepped right in
You lifted me up.
You showed me how lucky I am :)

Fairytales are Real

The saying goes that "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince." Well, I think I've found him. I've definitely kissed a lot of frogs, for sure. This guy is different though. I've only known him for a short time but I do feel the connection, happiness and bliss that leads up to the L word. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm beginning to see the silver lining and that all my past mistakes, betrayals and hardships are at an end and its finally time for my Happily Ever After.

Butterflies all over
What is this feeling taking over?
I've lost control of my emotions.
I don't think I've ever felt this way.
My world's flipped upside down.
Are you the prince I've been waiting for?
The one to take me far away
To a world I have only imagined.
A world of knights in shining armor
Saving princesses locked away in towers,
Fairy godmothers and animals who talk.
I've always known it was make believe
But dreamed a dream that one day
I too would have my happily ever after
With a prince fit just for me.
Is it really real?
Or a little girls fairytale?

Potential

I always do this, I always say I'm going to blog but never do. But I had an enlightening moment this weekend and decided that, "Yes, I am going to blog and I'm going to do it every day or every other day or whenever the feeling arises. Maybe I'll blog twice a day!" But anyways, I will keep my promise or you can stick a needle in my eye as the saying goes.
This weekend was beyond perfect. I recently moved to Jacksonville, Florida and am living with my parents and commuting an hour to and from work, which right now is not bad but not ideal either. Eventually I would like to get a place on the beach, but that won't be for another year at least because I need to SAVE SAVE SAVE!!!
So right now I'm kind of lacking on the friend front. All my friends are in Massachusetts and I've been feeling a little down in the dumps. A co-worker of mine asked me what kind of guys I was interested in - first let me tell you I have been single for about 5 years, so my love life is really lagging behind LOL - and I told her that I would like an attractive man who is nice, respectful and can make me laugh. Well, she set me up with a friend of hers whose single and only a couple years older than me. She also sent me pictures and so far so good ;). Then she asked if she could give him my number and I figured what did I have to lose so I told her yes. BEST DECISION EVER!!!
I've been hanging out with him since Thursday. He took me out to dinner and the beach. Pays me compliments. Treats me well. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I definitely had the best weekend and hope it continues. I'm not used to this kind of chivalry, because let's face it, I really thought chivalry was dead. I also have become really independent, so him paying for really expensive meals is making me a little apprehensive, but I deserve that kind of treatment and that's what he wants to do. I'm not some superficial shallow girl that is looking for a guy with money to take care of her, granted it would be nice to never have to work and be a housewife and take care of the kids, maybe write on the side, but it's not something that's important to me. What's important is an honest relationship built on love and if that's what this turns into I owe my coworker a HUGE thank you. This guy definitely has potential ;).